a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
