I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
