I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
