its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
