Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
