Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
