ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
