Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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