come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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