capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
