I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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