Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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