hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
