It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
