Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
