Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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