the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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