Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
