i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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