I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
