i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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