If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
