I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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