Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
