Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
