Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my phone needs a breathalizer
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
