wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
