Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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