I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
