Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was confusing and full of hummus
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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