swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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