I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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