you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
