Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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