Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
