He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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