hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
