Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
