Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
