Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
