remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
