I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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