Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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