Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
