I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
