The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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