Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
