my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
