just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
