Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
